350 Quotes by Dane Cook

My nickname for my mom was ‘The Compass.’

I can’t do anything! I can’t even have an English muffin!

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That’s when guys get all TBS around you because we think it’s very funny.

I’m glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

I don’t like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

When I’m wrong I’m like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he’ll turn Luke. Yet, when I’m right I’m a Jedi like my father before me.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don’t work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I’m going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

I’m bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I’m like, “I know how to do this. This is what I do.” I want to be a little scared.