350 Quotes by Dane Cook

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

Let’s talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn’t go so great and I call that a relationshit!

Every joke has its origin – the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I don’t have to do anything for anyone else’s benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

You know you’re lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

It’s hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can’t find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I’d always say ‘Why not me?’

I don’t like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.