350 Quotes by Dane Cook

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He’s in jail now.

I don’t know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person’s life, stay out of it.

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I’m assuming the kids safe and we’re just focusing on the pooch.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I’ve trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

When a guy says “I have no idea what you’re talking about” it means “I’m thinking of exactly what you’re saying I did while I lie to you.”