350 Quotes by Dane Cook

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I’m fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you’ve got.

I’ve been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

I’m not racist, I’ve got a black president.

There was a girl I loved in high school – but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I’m an entirely different person.

What happens in Vegas, I’m telling everyone.