350 Quotes by Dane Cook

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through ‘Planes’ as well, and they’ll hear that little something that I’m giving to them, a performance that says to them, “I want to try.” It’s all interconnected. I don’t think it’s thinking too deeply about it.

If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night – and be your own self.

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I don’t like people that litter. If you don’t throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

I’m quitting the business today. I’m going to open up an appliance store, I’ve always really been into toasters. I’m giving it all up.

Text a guy you like right now, “I’m thinking about you.” If he says, “mmm are you in bed?” Never speak to him again he’s a lifelong moron.

I’m shooting a pilot based on my show. It’s a one-camera show. I play myself.

It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

It’s not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.