350 Quotes by Dane Cook

Here’s how you know that you’re really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I’d get into psychology.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people – how they act and such.

I don’t laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.