821 Quotes by Daniel Handler

I have gone into town to buy a few last things we need for the expedition: Peruvian wasp repellent, toothbrushes, canned peaches, and a fireproof canoe. It will take a while to find the peaches, so don't expect me back until dinnertime. Stephano, Gustav's replacement, will arrive today by taxi. Please make him feel welcome. As you know, it is only two days until the expedition, so please work very hard today. Your giddy uncle, Monty

I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on this inside would would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does.

For Beatrice, I cherished, you perished, The world's been nightmarished.

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.

When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.

One has to adopt a sort of Zen calm, in which you know you wrote the best book that you could at the time.

Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.

Blank paper has always inspired me.

Death is something you cannot escape, such as death, or a cheesecake that has curdled, both of which always turn up sooner later.