821 Quotes by Daniel Handler

Just because something is typed-whether it is typed on a business card or typed in a newspaper or book-this does not mean that it is true.

Criminals should be punished, not fed pastries.

We are respecting our parents' wishes....They didn't want to shelter us from the world's treacheries. They wanted us to survive them.

Or why you are wearing a picture of Santa Clause on you shirts, but-” “It’s Herman Melville.

I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone. Then this is my life and maybe, however unlikely, I'll find my way back there. Or maybe, one day, I'll settle for second best. And on that same day, hell will freeze over, the sun will burn out and the stars will fall from the sky.

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!

I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.

I’m happier than a pig eating bacon!