299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.