299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.

I don’t think I could stab somebody, cause I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.

I’ll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

Let’s be honest: it’s not like I’m not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we’re all in Aspen for Christmas.

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It’s really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think “how can you make a joke about this?”