299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 – 0 is not enjoyable – unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

I have voices in my head, but they’re all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they’re saying.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it’s so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I’m watching a commercial.

People write a lot of similar material. That’s why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Maybe everyone doesn’t deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can’t you?

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I’m really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I’m not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don’t really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.