299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid’s throat for so long before he goes, “you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.”

I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she’ll do everything in bed but go upside down because it’s too scary.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That’s not my intention. I’m not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time – it’s how I know I still have one.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they’re unemployed and they love crystal meth.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I’m tired of walking 5K. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sweat for cancer. I’ll write a check.

I don’t know what fire is made of – hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.