299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I started my own foundation. If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s called ‘Febreezing the homeless.’ Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

I don’t know what’s funny and what’s not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.

I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I’m not pregnant.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I’m gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep.

Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.