299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

This is what I say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it’s legal, it’s not like God’s going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: ‘First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.’

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I’m sure I would do that.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I’ll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Big can be beautiful – just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they’d taste like their ethnic background?

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they’re slimy, even though we know they’re not.