299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

It’s not Spring Break until somebody dies!

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, ‘Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.’

I wasn’t a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.

I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!