299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn’t hire me.

When you’re in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It’s like diarrhea for your heart.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What’s it cost to go skiing – $900 a day? I can’t believe that’s not more popular in the inner cities.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, ‘I’m just going to buy a house.’

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

I’ve always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

Babies aren’t dishwasher-safe.