299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, ‘I’m dumb.’ That’s it. That way in 10 years, when you go, ‘Why did I get this?,’ you can be like, ‘Oh, I’m dumb!’

Kangoroos can’t hop backwards.

Decorating the gym can’t mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

I don’t know, maybe I’m immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she’s in the shower.

I’m aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It’s beyond my comprehension.

At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.

You ever hear girls say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply with “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!”

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?