299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I’m like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

I don’t want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I’m happy, or at least I look like it.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn’t have iTunes.

I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

I’m not saying I’m smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Models: I’m not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn’t have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.