299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don’t go anywhere, but you still get paid.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they’ve been good to me.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

I don’t know why I get away with some things. But I’m not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

Finding my dog’s g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I’m actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.