299 Quotes by Daniel Tosh

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.