1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

We don’t shoot somebody soon, I’m gonna forget how.

There’s only one way kids will wear helmets, and that’s if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.

We’re wild horses. We’re going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We’re protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.

Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

I’m afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys.

Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven’t had four beers.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse’s name is Margaret.

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.