1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Murphy’s golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

Here’s a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

When you say you don’t think we should have public schools, they can’t believe you mean that. You must mean that they should be smaller. But you can’t really mean no public schools.

Rembrandt’s first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.

For Dad, the perfect Father’s Day would be one in which he didn’t even realize that it was Father’s Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn’t want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father’s Day poetry.

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

Don’t emphasise money if you don’t have much; be happy.