1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as ‘viruses,’ ‘worms,’ ‘Trojan horses’ and ‘licensed Microsoft software’ that can take over your computer and render it useless.

First, a few words about this title. It isn’t easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

Avoid the traffic by using one of the park’s shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.

Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane. If I spent all my hours writing things like “Fatal Distraction,” I’d become a brooding, erratic melancholic. I’d be Raskolnikov.

Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat “what if?” questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.

I have never had a point in my life to make. I’m just trying to entertain the reader.

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called “Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You.”

You don’t have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.