1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn’t know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.

As the saying goes: “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re a newspaper columnist.”

Washington is nicknamed “The Evergreen State” because it sounds better than “The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State.”

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power ’60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!

Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations – if you get my drift.

You should never pick up a newspaper when you’re feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.

And that’s the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care.