1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

It’s a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can’t go on your property?

We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called “LinkedIn.”

There comes a time in a man’s life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be “colonial”.

Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

I’ve never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O’Hare.