1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

I want to gag sometimes when I see who “we” are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don’t have the vaguest idea what you’re doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you’re reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

When doctors describe pain as experiencing “discomfort,” it’s like saying Hiroshima experienced “urban renewal”.

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required”.

We’re deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.

Winter’s here, and you feel lousy: You’re coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms – so familiar at this time of year – can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.

Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he’s naked, but I’m afraid to find out.

People don’t think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, “Just joking.”

My current computer, in addition to ‘DOS,’ has ‘Windows,’ which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS.