1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O’Hare, you can’t get there at all.

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, “people without lives.” We don’t care. We have each other...

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Because of the level of my chess game, I was able – even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog – to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

Reporters aren’t stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody’s going to accept is that day’s hot news. They know how silly that is. But that’s what they do.

She goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics – and a big piece if luck.

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair “look” that was originally popularized by coconuts.