1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the ‘most reliable Windows ever.’ To me, this is like saying that asparagus is ‘the most articulate vegetable ever.’

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

I also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to develop World Wide Web sites in a frantic scramble to reach the vast new consumer market of Web use.

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: “We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards.”

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying “Roman Ruins” and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar...

There’s an old saying among scientific guys: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane.”

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings – even the truth.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.