1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

You have to be careful on the deck, because of the “hatches,” which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.

I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question...

Print neatly. That’s the kind of advice that the IRS considers a “dynamite” tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they’re useless.

Molly happy see Ammm,” she said. The Porpoise language has 237 words that mean “happy,” and Molly had actually chosen the one denoting the happiness derived from having one’s belly tickled by seaweed.

When I’m writing columns, it’s – all I’m thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don’t care where it goes.

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.

When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, “There you go IRS bashing again.” They’re always saying that they’re just doing their job. Someone I know once said, “You could get another job.”

Fortunately the bad guys had the tactical intelligence of a waffle iron, so the hero was able to outsmart them by ducking behind some rocks, then putting his hat on a stick and holding it.

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to “get involved” in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.