1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor – I’m talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt...

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.”

There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don’t hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.

I’ve never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

What’s happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession – it has to be your perfect day.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

I don’t know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

I’m a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.