1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

Baby’s room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby’s room should be in Peru.

I really try to think cinematically, because that’s how people read. They create a theater in their minds.

You can put suspenders on a salamander, but it still won’t make waffles. See what I mean? That sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I got paid to write it. It’s printed right here in a published book!

On Valentine’s Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.

Today’s toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say “your child.” MY child just wants to eat the toys.

If Mozart had power tools, there’s no telling how great his music might have been.

By today’s beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

The other major kind of computer is the “Apple,” which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.