1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn’t his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.

I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I’m a journalist, it’s my job. There’s been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn’t caught up yet.

The letters in ‘Brace Beemer’ can be arranged to spell ‘Embrace Beer.’

He’s a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

I was never good at sports. For a while I played Little League baseball, but I had very little interaction with the actual ball. I heard a lot of yelling about the ball, and I occasionally sensed that something – which I assumed was the ball – had just whizzed past me. But I almost never had any direct personal contact with the ball, which turns out to be crucial to succeeding in many athletic endeavors.

My son wouldn’t go get heroin. If he did or didn’t, it wouldn’t have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.

If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

When I say ‘serve you better,’ I mean ‘increase our profits.’ We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

There’s a test they can do to determine a baby’s gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it’s a boy.