1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who genuinely have a medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

The problem with winter sports is that-follow me closely here-they generally take place in winter.

Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing.

The problem with winter sports is that follow me closely here they generally take place in winter.

The government: What we can as citizens do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty seven year olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient for beer.

The easiest way to make a fruit cake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.