1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Without a question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings, even the truth.

The Internet, transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

As the father of a daughter, I wish I'd read this very funny book sooner, if only to know that it's okay for a grown man to wear a tutu.

Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a 'type of weevil.'