1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests

The internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.

The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season. Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church. Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue. The atheists went to parties and drank.

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.