1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace like Segal.3. Driver hates you.

I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?

'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...

Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.