1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope.

People - just weird people are attracted to Miami. And they come there not for serious reasons, usually.

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not suggesting for a moment that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.