1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it was Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father's Day poetry.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.

If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you're really just taking a position for argument's sake.

I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .