1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold War was so we wouldn't have to learn the metric system.

When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene . . .

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.

Happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations...