1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

For all I know, some of my close friends could be dead. The only way to find out would be to call them up and talk to them about what's going on in their lives, and I never do that. I think this is true of many guys, even the ones who are not Humor Personalities: we do not view talking about our personal lives as an acceptable activity.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from someone else's plate.

normal person's weekly chore list:1. clean kitchen.2. clean bathroom.3. clean entire rest of domicile.cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.