1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which not one single question measures any bit of knowledge that anyone might actually need in the real world. We should applaud kids for getting lower scores.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.

I did all this stuff that was illegal when I was a kid. I drank beer when I was 15. I smoked cigarettes when I was 13. I drove to New York City when I was 14 - don't tell my son. Those things were against the law, but I did them anyway. I didn't become a heroin addict, although I probably could have gotten heroin somehow. I don't think my son would buy heroin at any price. He knows what it is, and he knows how stupid it is.