1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That’s important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.

It is a good idea to ‘shop around’ before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That’s why those old ships carried such large crews.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

This ball was so crowded that it took me – a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area – forty five minutes to get a beer.