1,059 Quotes by Dave Barry

I don’t have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it’s stupid – which is the one perspective that’s almost completely lacking in Washington.

I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

Never have a dog. Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.

Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid.

I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security.

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any “spare” change.

We kids feared many things in those days – werewolves, dentists, North Koreans, Sunday School – but they all paled in comparison with Brussels sprouts.

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!