694 Quotes by David Sedaris

I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness. Group crying, he could stand, but group laughing was asking for it, especially at the dinner table.

People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.

He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!

I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it, but the moment it was mine, it ceased to interest me.

I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.

We’re like a pair of bad trapeze artists, reaching for each other’s hands and missing every time

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you.

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.