694 Quotes by David Sedaris

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

A concept as uninviting as a shampoo cocktail.

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

A young couple strolls by, the adoration of one bouncing off the tolerance of the other.

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.

Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.

Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

It hardly seemed fair, because, unlike a horse or a Seeing Eye dog, the whole glory of being a bird is that nobody would ever put you to work.