694 Quotes by David Sedaris

Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered.

Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.

Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.

My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her.

This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.

.. but all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.

There’s a lot I don’t tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn’t understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m really not into white guys right now.

Neighbors would pass, and when they honked I'd remember that I was in my Speedo. Then I'd wrap my towel like a skirt around my waist and remind my sisters that this was not girlish but Egyptian, thank you very much.

We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets.