694 Quotes by David Sedaris

I've often lost faith in myself, I've never lost it in my family

During episodes of unemployment I find it rewarding to sleep as much as possible-anything from twelve to fourteen hours a day is a good starting point. Sleep spares you humiliation and saves money at the same time: nothing to eat, nothing to buy, just lie back and dream your life away.

If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.

If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.

Sometimes you read something and it's just -- it doesn't invite a reader....Sometimes you read something and it's not saying, 'oh come in, come in have a seat. I'm going to tell you what happened.' Perhaps my writing comes off as conversational...and that takes effort.

I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.

It is what it is,” which is ubiquitous now and means absolutely nothing, as far as we can see. “Isn’t that the state motto of South Dakota?” I said the second or third time I heard it.

If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.