694 Quotes by David Sedaris

Later that night I met a Bulgarian. “In my country, you say to someone you hate, ‘May you build a house from your kidney stones.’” Well, finally, I thought.

I’d tried to straighten him out, but there’s only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.

If you read someone else’s diary, you get what you deserve.

I dragged my balls across your mother’s memorial cake, from cherry to cherry, and to each of the candles.

I’m for gay elopement, not for gay weddings. I’ve been with my boyfriend for twenty years. I don’t feel like that would validate our relationship in any way. But I would really fight for someone else to have the right. Just elope, though, please.

We can’t profess love without talking through hand puppets.

It’s odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You’ll have a nice time, then two years later you’ll be like, ‘There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?’

The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention.

It is funny the things that run through your mind when you’re sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.