694 Quotes by David Sedaris

I’m the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I’ve never even met.

I can’t seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.

Actually I liked that ‘Let the Right One In,’ that Swedish vampire movie.

The things I’ve bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.

You have what we in France call ‘good time teeth,’” she said. “Why on earth would you want to change them?” “Um, because I can floss with the sash to my bathrobe?

Every day spent with you is like having a cesarean section.

This left me alone to solve the coffee problem – a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.

High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don’t wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I’ll just deal with it when I get there.

Hugh consoled me, saying, “Don’t let it get to you. There are plenty of things you’re good at.” When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he’ll need some time to think.