694 Quotes by David Sedaris

I like the kind of man John is. He watches things closely and then does nothing with the information.

Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.

Still, there were moments when, against all reason, I thought I might be a genius. These moments were provoked not by any particular accomplishment but by cocaine and crystal methamphetamine – drugs that allow you to lean over a mirror with a straw up your nose, suck up an entire week’s paycheck, and think, “God, I’m smart.

On one tour, I was collecting stories about pet monkeys. You’d be surprised how many people have stories about monkeys. The problem is, most monkey stories end tragically.

Have a blessed day.” This can make you feel like you’ve been sprayed against your will with God cologne.

On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

My family isn’t really all that different from anyone else’s. Well, maybe they’re a bit more entertaining.

And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I’d remind him that these were pests – disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.

I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn’t like it, and changed.